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TrueToSelf

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Thoughts and ruminations (Long read, but hopefully worth it. Help asked at the end) Empty
20190303
PostThoughts and ruminations (Long read, but hopefully worth it. Help asked at the end)

It has been a while since I posted to this site, the site that has been at the back of my head for all time, the world it has opened my mind to again after years of apathy and limbo. Since those days, I have gone through many changes and evolution of thought around this world which has been made almost completely alien to us. Nature and reality of entities, beings and organizations distorted with lies driven by machinations of fear, greed, shameless hedonistic drive, uncontrolled lust for power, destruction of historic records and censorship over the most priceless artifacts depicting beginnings of god/demon/angel based religions. Many reasons, too many to count have made it almost useless to seek for knowledge in this world, thus it falls to the hands of those who brave to travel the unknown themselves to find anything resembling truth.

Time feels running short for multiple reasons as well, I must begin to explore the unknown myself as well after so long of tireless mental simulation and countless calculation. I shall share my thoughts I feel to hold most credit, to hell with how people might take it since these are most likely conclusions reached by many, or will be in due time once more.

If you don't wish to read the long wall of text and want to get straight to my own personal conclusions, ruminations and thoughts, this is your chance to skim through to find where I talk about what you're looking for.

I will first begin in the obvious, lack of solid knowledge and how arguable all of it can be. Long story too short, the handiwork of mankind upon the passing of knowledge could have left too much information out or even completely manipulated to fulfill personal agenda that could reach the agenda of not only a single self but a whole organizational body.

Firstly mass religion. This is by no means a direct attack on Christianity, Judaism, Islam or any other religion but a direct stab at the history of conversion caused by one or multiple religions either via peaceful or harmful ways. This would also include politics, but that is a beast of its own so we'll leave that alone for now. To any growing religion with a moral compass, collectively accepted teachings, inclusive deities and their positions, an outsider religion is inevitably considered a challenger or possible a threat, never mind if they're related to one another or if either one came to be by the other religion in question. God(s) from religion A are treated as enemies in religion B, teachings in religion B are considered immoral in religion A, the lifestyle dictated by religions A and B clash like water and fire. Sure I may be oversimplifying it, but usually grand changes and events always start with small kindling before growing into great fires. A group from religion B lessen the hold of religion A and curb their growth by increasing their numbers, religion A tells of the horrors awaiting people who join religion B, so on and so on. But it doesn't end there, as the religion becomes a tool to control the populace, the scriptures are rewritten to fulfill the objectives of certain groups, belittle the needs of certain ethnic groups, make lifestyles seen as heretic, sexual orientations become sin. The mutilation of the original beliefs and teachings are further violated by destruction of historic artifacts, monuments, records and original scriptures. Forever erasing the old knowledge passed on, then sometimes as a finishing blow brainwash or even execute devout ones who committed as much information to heart. Again, as these are just the example of actions taken by certain organizations and religious groups, they are however not thoroughly representative of the religious world today and it would be folly to entirely attribute the loss of knowledge to them, however it isn't wise to undermine their contribution to it in the past either.

Second reason came up in religion, attempts at using religion and scripture as a tool is a popular method at achieving goals of select groups. Contradictory information and material is always a threat then, the usual action to this is at first to belittle the contradictory information as false or misleading, the materials a hoax and so on. Beforehand this could be approached by rewriting scripture to have direct push against the aforementioned contradiction, more usually there is a selective interpretation and cherry picking to mount more push. Some would be ruthless enough to directly attack the material and attempt to destroy it and any recreations to nullify the effects. Population control for any reason, selfish or to serve the community as a whole with the moral limitations of the times and lack of development as a civilization, this would inevitably leave its mark but even today we see effects of this happen. Extremist groups destroyed artifacts of irreplaceable historic value, opposite sex is considered inherently lower than the other, ethnic groups are treated like animals, scripture and belief is doctored to fit the agenda of those that see it fit. A tool. A weapon. Bastardization of what once was, now long gone.

Thirdly... As the spread misinformation and propaganda take the most of attention, lastly for reasons yet to be divulged in we have the third reason why solid knowledge is very hard to come by. It is hidden from public. I believe the best example of this is the Vatican Secret Archives, I know I know there's conspiracy around this plenty. But the fact remains the same, there are reasons this is withheld from the public. Possible sexual molestation evidence, knowledge of supernatural beings, details of magick items and means of producing them etc. There are many things that could be hidden in the vastness of this unknown place. As for why they wouldn't just outright destroy for example, methods for magick item creation, summoning of demons/angels/gods. There are four possibilities just to name some that come to mind. One is that this knowledge is kept as insurance for events that could compromise the future of the Vatican, either as blackmail to hold others on a leash number two have ways to deal with problems that would be otherwise incredibly difficult by more orthodox methods. Third and this one could play together with one and two, actual preservation of history but this also comes into play with reason four, the history is ugly yet something worth preserving for whatever reason. Reason two is self-explanatory as knowledge of achieving powers well beyond what we consider normal would be an incredible risk for the Vatican to take.

Much of this is abridgement of the greater picture, since it would take a ludicrous amount of time to completely detail how mankind has affected the way the world has grown and evolved, but the general idea is what matters in this post. The difficulty of acquiring waterproof information is incredibly difficult. Just because we have the internet changes things, but only by so much.

So now comes the part where I delve into the things I can consider anything closer to something with the resemblance of facts...

What is mankind to higher beings? Whatever we call them, gods, demons, angels, spirits. Doesn't matter, this is where the crux of my thoughts lay at. When civilizations were young, humans were much more ignorant and unknowing of the world ahead of them, in the grand cosmos where we've yet to realize that our world we've yet to consider a planet in a greater universe is one of the many yet exotic in its own right as a life bearing celestial body. Higher beings came to our midst, either by their own will or due to unknown obligation, teaching and guiding the ones chosen, portraying knowledge and abilities we in our lackluster intellect saw as acts of omnipotence and omniscience. Healing illness, predicting the weather, teaching of the wilds, form a complex society and infrastructure. Then there are those who were chosen, appealed to learn more or by chance even manifested capabilities beyond the norm even to this day. These would become called 'blessed' or 'chosen by the gods'. What is mankind to higher beings? A species capable evolving further into incredibly complex creatures and perhaps into ones sharing equal ground with the higher beings? Lost ones in desperate need of guidance from those who have been around much longer? A lifeform that needs to be kept in check, or we could develop into an universal scourge? Or just a species which first seemed like a potential for easily acquired workers and soldiers ready to follow and worship the seemingly greater beings altogether?

What are the risks and benefits of a man or a woman acquiring otherworldly knowledge and power? A person who has once more now opened their mind to the possibilities beyond the norm and becomes ready to apply that perspective on the world today, for the betterment of mankind and develop a fresh new relationship with the supernatural. Short, sweet and entirely possible. There is also that the higher beings are open to gaining more folk to widen the scope of possible knowledge, power, perspectives and in addition gain one more who shares their world willingly in certain amounts. However there will always be risks, one that comes to mind at the start is that person using the knowledge and powers for personal gain that may develop into activities that harm individual people or society as a whole. In this we will have to ask a question, what is the limit of how far the aforementioned person will develop their powers and knowledge? Accelerated healing, immunity to disease, increased physical strength and hardiness, psychic abilities, control over the elements, the very fundamental laws and energies. Where the limit lies, will the person find a way to go beyond it by chance? What then when the person has reached a level where they possess a threat to not only entire countries, but also have the capability to even slay what we once considered gods? Scoff and laugh at it if you will, but it was only a few decades ago when we created a weapon that would scar our planet for thousands of years and have made that same weapon exponentially more terrifying that its mere presence creates formerly unimaginable terror and anxiety. Exactly how long would it take for mankind to develop magick specific for slaying higher beings? A magick that has only been mentioned in works of fantasy would no longer be such, the luxury of those times would be gone, or this has happened already. That is a terrifying risk to take.

The higher beings themselves are a great mystery I am thoroughly intrigued by. From what I can surmise is that the higher beings (gods, angels, demons, spirits etc.) might just be lifeforms that have developed much more than us, in ways which we lack in and could be even considered retarded to some degree. While we excel at technology, the higher beings in question then excel at the supernatural, this is where our inevitable retardation thus lies. They've been around for much longer, possibly even immortal to a certain degree, diverse and with their faults and quirks like us. Not much I can conclude from them as I already have written here, but I'll go by whatever I've yet to put out. The diversity is both a good thing but also a bad thing, just like with our kind. There are benevolent beings, but also malicious ones without a doubt as well. As there are doctors and teachers who commit their lives to make the world a better place, there are also people who serve only themselves and even seek to exclusively harm others. With higher beings such diversity is entirely possible too, I'll leave the shit that Hollywood peddles us and go straight into what I have extrapolated from what little information I could consider worthwhile. As there are beings who wish to help and teach, there are those who want to take advantage and harm our kind, then there must be a system in place with their kind that keeps both sides in check. In what ways this has an apparent effect in our society today is very arguable.

Personal creed/belief.

This is where it gets to a level where our opinions may differ highly and might be considered offensive, but I ask you to keep and open mind and read thoroughly and ask me questions if you have any, I will answer to my best of capabilities.


It feels like only a matter of time till I must take that great leap and delve into this unknown, this world won't yield answers I seek and it feels mankind is just cursed with cycles fear and hatred towards the fabricated and distant if not sometimes even nonexistent things. Fear and hatred, compassion and love, pain and weakness. These things I feel, I think about, I see in the world, feel much out of balance in our era of this proverbial false peace and prosperity. I cannot become bound to a singular master, that would be the ultimate betrayal to my self, I must find a mentor and teacher, not chains and whips. I must delve into the knowledge and powers contradicting one another, the polar opposites of what I feel must be considered or I'll just be blind to a part of me and ultimately a part of mankind. My wrath and pride says I mustn't seek the made path of vampirism, it would forever brand me as nothing more than a dog of a system without chance of becoming what I consider a true independent being, my reasoning and conscience says that is a path for those who feel it is the one for them and shouldn't mock them for it. My dark says if I'm asked to ignore what bravery I have to tread the unknown path and just settle for the beaten one, I should crush their windpipe with the heel of my boot and call them naught but a blind servant. My light says there are many reasons than just one or two the road often traveled is much safer and successful. When one calls demons, angels, gods to stand at a level beyond our reach, my dark tempts me to pull one of their seat and sink my teeth into their flesh to devour them entirely. My light however would then implore the ones above to at least teach me the start of my journey upwards so I may hopefully see things from equal standing one day. I do not make the mistake of assuming I'm divided into two perfectly neat sides. There is darkness within the light, there is also light within the darkness. As such their burdens are shared, neither exists without the other and shouldn't be ignored. If you'd ask me where do I then truly stand? I'd say the gray, where the light and darkness meet. It is by no means a neutral spot, but one that acknowledges the duality and multiple facets of myself and the world around me. Whether that makes me a god, a monster, a demon or an angel doesn't matter. If I were to achieve what I consider the truest gray and become a truly independent being in a sense, could I then finally consider myself a whole person.

That was quite intense to write, since I have only shared even this much to only a chosen few I feel comfortable sharing.

Then, once more I'm faced with the selfish and the side of me that truly wishes for help...

The reasons why this site has kept me around was Lilith. More in particular, this ritual [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] formed something the day I read it, the enchantment when I read it through the monitor those years back gave me such great rush of... Passionate, loving, erotic through my chest to my head and made my eyes blur, I could hear my heart beat so clearly and my breath heaten up. Therefore, I took interest in Lilith at the time. This is the time I call when the concept of gray came to me... I can go into greater detail, if someone is willing to talk about this with me. This ritual linked above, is the only one I can see myself being able to successfully conduct.
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Thoughts and ruminations (Long read, but hopefully worth it. Help asked at the end) :: Comments

TrueToSelf wrote:
It has been a while since I posted to this site, the site that has been at the back of my head for all time, the world it has opened my mind to again after years of apathy and limbo. Since those days, I have gone through many changes and evolution of thought around this world which has been made almost completely alien to us. Nature and reality of entities, beings and organizations distorted with lies driven by machinations of fear, greed, shameless hedonistic drive, uncontrolled lust for power, destruction of historic records and censorship over the most priceless artifacts depicting beginnings of god/demon/angel based religions. Many reasons, too many to count have made it almost useless to seek for knowledge in this world, thus it falls to the hands of those who brave to travel the unknown themselves to find anything resembling truth.

Time feels running short for multiple reasons as well, I must begin to explore the unknown myself as well after so long of tireless mental simulation and countless calculation. I shall share my thoughts I feel to hold most credit, to hell with how people might take it since these are most likely conclusions reached by many, or will be in due time once more.

If you don't wish to read the long wall of text and want to get straight to my own personal conclusions, ruminations and thoughts, this is your chance to skim through to find where I talk about what you're looking for.

I will first begin in the obvious, lack of solid knowledge and how arguable all of it can be. Long story too short, the handiwork of mankind upon the passing of knowledge could have left too much information out or even completely manipulated to fulfill personal agenda that could reach the agenda of not only a single self but a whole organizational body.

Firstly mass religion. This is by no means a direct attack on Christianity, Judaism, Islam or any other religion but a direct stab at the history of conversion caused by one or multiple religions either via peaceful or harmful ways. This would also include politics, but that is a beast of its own so we'll leave that alone for now. To any growing religion with a moral compass, collectively accepted teachings, inclusive deities and their positions, an outsider religion is inevitably considered a challenger or possible a threat, never mind if they're related to one another or if either one came to be by the other religion in question. God(s) from religion A are treated as enemies in religion B, teachings in religion B are considered immoral in religion A, the lifestyle dictated by religions A and B clash like water and fire. Sure I may be oversimplifying it, but usually grand changes and events always start with small kindling before growing into great fires. A group from religion B lessen the hold of religion A and curb their growth by increasing their numbers, religion A tells of the horrors awaiting people who join religion B, so on and so on. But it doesn't end there, as the religion becomes a tool to control the populace, the scriptures are rewritten to fulfill the objectives of certain groups, belittle the needs of certain ethnic groups, make lifestyles seen as heretic, sexual orientations become sin. The mutilation of the original beliefs and teachings are further violated by destruction of historic artifacts, monuments, records and original scriptures. Forever erasing the old knowledge passed on, then sometimes as a finishing blow brainwash or even execute devout ones who committed as much information to heart. Again, as these are just the example of actions taken by certain organizations and religious groups, they are however not thoroughly representative of the religious world today and it would be folly to entirely attribute the loss of knowledge to them, however it isn't wise to undermine their contribution to it in the past either.

Second reason came up in religion, attempts at using religion and scripture as a tool is a popular method at achieving goals of select groups. Contradictory information and material is always a threat then, the usual action to this is at first to belittle the contradictory information as false or misleading, the materials a hoax and so on. Beforehand this could be approached by rewriting scripture to have direct push against the aforementioned contradiction, more usually there is a selective interpretation and cherry picking to mount more push. Some would be ruthless enough to directly attack the material and attempt to destroy it and any recreations to nullify the effects. Population control for any reason, selfish or to serve the community as a whole with the moral limitations of the times and lack of development as a civilization, this would inevitably leave its mark but even today we see effects of this happen. Extremist groups destroyed artifacts of irreplaceable historic value, opposite sex is considered inherently lower than the other, ethnic groups are treated like animals, scripture and belief is doctored to fit the agenda of those that see it fit. A tool. A weapon. Bastardization of what once was, now long gone.

Thirdly... As the spread misinformation and propaganda take the most of attention, lastly for reasons yet to be divulged in we have the third reason why solid knowledge is very hard to come by. It is hidden from public. I believe the best example of this is the Vatican Secret Archives, I know I know there's conspiracy around this plenty. But the fact remains the same, there are reasons this is withheld from the public. Possible sexual molestation evidence, knowledge of supernatural beings, details of magick items and means of producing them etc. There are many things that could be hidden in the vastness of this unknown place. As for why they wouldn't just outright destroy for example, methods for magick item creation, summoning of demons/angels/gods. There are four possibilities just to name some that come to mind. One is that this knowledge is kept as insurance for events that could compromise the future of the Vatican, either as blackmail to hold others on a leash number two have ways to deal with problems that would be otherwise incredibly difficult by more orthodox methods. Third and this one could play together with one and two, actual preservation of history but this also comes into play with reason four, the history is ugly yet something worth preserving for whatever reason. Reason two is self-explanatory as knowledge of achieving powers well beyond what we consider normal would be an incredible risk for the Vatican to take.

Much of this is abridgement of the greater picture, since it would take a ludicrous amount of time to completely detail how mankind has affected the way the world has grown and evolved, but the general idea is what matters in this post. The difficulty of acquiring waterproof information is incredibly difficult. Just because we have the internet changes things, but only by so much.

So now comes the part where I delve into the things I can consider anything closer to something with the resemblance of facts...

What is mankind to higher beings? Whatever we call them, gods, demons, angels, spirits. Doesn't matter, this is where the crux of my thoughts lay at. When civilizations were young, humans were much more ignorant and unknowing of the world ahead of them, in the grand cosmos where we've yet to realize that our world we've yet to consider a planet in a greater universe is one of the many yet exotic in its own right as a life bearing celestial body. Higher beings came to our midst, either by their own will or due to unknown obligation, teaching and guiding the ones chosen, portraying knowledge and abilities we in our lackluster intellect saw as acts of omnipotence and omniscience. Healing illness, predicting the weather, teaching of the wilds, form a complex society and infrastructure. Then there are those who were chosen, appealed to learn more or by chance even manifested capabilities beyond the norm even to this day. These would become called 'blessed' or 'chosen by the gods'. What is mankind to higher beings? A species capable evolving further into incredibly complex creatures and perhaps into ones sharing equal ground with the higher beings? Lost ones in desperate need of guidance from those who have been around much longer? A lifeform that needs to be kept in check, or we could develop into an universal scourge? Or just a species which first seemed like a potential for easily acquired workers and soldiers ready to follow and worship the seemingly greater beings altogether?

What are the risks and benefits of a man or a woman acquiring otherworldly knowledge and power? A person who has once more now opened their mind to the possibilities beyond the norm and becomes ready to apply that perspective on the world today, for the betterment of mankind and develop a fresh new relationship with the supernatural. Short, sweet and entirely possible. There is also that the higher beings are open to gaining more folk to widen the scope of possible knowledge, power, perspectives and in addition gain one more who shares their world willingly in certain amounts. However there will always be risks, one that comes to mind at the start is that person using the knowledge and powers for personal gain that may develop into activities that harm individual people or society as a whole. In this we will have to ask a question, what is the limit of how far the aforementioned person will develop their powers and knowledge? Accelerated healing, immunity to disease, increased physical strength and hardiness, psychic abilities, control over the elements, the very fundamental laws and energies. Where the limit lies, will the person find a way to go beyond it by chance? What then when the person has reached a level where they possess a threat to not only entire countries, but also have the capability to even slay what we once considered gods? Scoff and laugh at it if you will, but it was only a few decades ago when we created a weapon that would scar our planet for thousands of years and have made that same weapon exponentially more terrifying that its mere presence creates formerly unimaginable terror and anxiety. Exactly how long would it take for mankind to develop magick specific for slaying higher beings? A magick that has only been mentioned in works of fantasy would no longer be such, the luxury of those times would be gone, or this has happened already. That is a terrifying risk to take.

The higher beings themselves are a great mystery I am thoroughly intrigued by. From what I can surmise is that the higher beings (gods, angels, demons, spirits etc.) might just be lifeforms that have developed much more than us, in ways which we lack in and could be even considered retarded to some degree. While we excel at technology, the higher beings in question then excel at the supernatural, this is where our inevitable retardation thus lies. They've been around for much longer, possibly even immortal to a certain degree, diverse and with their faults and quirks like us. Not much I can conclude from them as I already have written here, but I'll go by whatever I've yet to put out. The diversity is both a good thing but also a bad thing, just like with our kind. There are benevolent beings, but also malicious ones without a doubt as well. As there are doctors and teachers who commit their lives to make the world a better place, there are also people who serve only themselves and even seek to exclusively harm others. With higher beings such diversity is entirely possible too, I'll leave the shit that Hollywood peddles us and go straight into what I have extrapolated from what little information I could consider worthwhile. As there are beings who wish to help and teach, there are those who want to take advantage and harm our kind, then there must be a system in place with their kind that keeps both sides in check. In what ways this has an apparent effect in our society today is very arguable.

Personal creed/belief.

This is where it gets to a level where our opinions may differ highly and might be considered offensive, but I ask you to keep and open mind and read thoroughly and ask me questions if you have any, I will answer to my best of capabilities.


It feels like only a matter of time till I must take that great leap and delve into this unknown, this world won't yield answers I seek and it feels mankind is just cursed with cycles fear and hatred towards the fabricated and distant if not sometimes even nonexistent things. Fear and hatred, compassion and love, pain and weakness. These things I feel, I think about, I see in the world, feel much out of balance in our era of this proverbial false peace and prosperity. I cannot become bound to a singular master, that would be the ultimate betrayal to my self, I must find a mentor and teacher, not chains and whips. I must delve into the knowledge and powers contradicting one another, the polar opposites of what I feel must be considered or I'll just be blind to a part of me and ultimately a part of mankind. My wrath and pride says I mustn't seek the made path of vampirism, it would forever brand me as nothing more than a dog of a system without chance of becoming what I consider a true independent being, my reasoning and conscience says that is a path for those who feel it is the one for them and shouldn't mock them for it. My dark says if I'm asked to ignore what bravery I have to tread the unknown path and just settle for the beaten one, I should crush their windpipe with the heel of my boot and call them naught but a blind servant. My light says there are many reasons than just one or two the road often traveled is much safer and successful. When one calls demons, angels, gods to stand at a level beyond our reach, my dark tempts me to pull one of their seat and sink my teeth into their flesh to devour them entirely. My light however would then implore the ones above to at least teach me the start of my journey upwards so I may hopefully see things from equal standing one day. I do not make the mistake of assuming I'm divided into two perfectly neat sides. There is darkness within the light, there is also light within the darkness. As such their burdens are shared, neither exists without the other and shouldn't be ignored. If you'd ask me where do I then truly stand? I'd say the gray, where the light and darkness meet. It is by no means a neutral spot, but one that acknowledges the duality and multiple facets of myself and the world around me. Whether that makes me a god, a monster, a demon or an angel doesn't matter. If I were to achieve what I consider the truest gray and become a truly independent being in a sense, could I then finally consider myself a whole person.

That was quite intense to write, since I have only shared even this much to only a chosen few I feel comfortable sharing.

Then, once more I'm faced with the selfish and the side of me that truly wishes for help...

The reasons why this site has kept me around was Lilith. More in particular, this ritual [You must be registered and logged in to see this link.] formed something the day I read it, the enchantment when I read it through the monitor those years back gave me such great rush of... Passionate, loving, erotic through my chest to my head and made my eyes blur, I could hear my heart beat so clearly and my breath heaten up. Therefore, I took interest in Lilith at the time. This is the time I call when the concept of gray came to me... I can go into greater detail, if someone is willing to talk about this with me. This ritual linked above, is the only one I can see myself being able to successfully conduct.

I disagree with your thoughts on vampirism being a premade path which takes away your individuality. In a  sense we are all human(or most of us Smile ) but that doesn't make us all the same, without a chance to show our individuality. The way vampirism is described here, you retain your independancy (not counting being part of a new community with new rules) and free will. You just go through a evolution in many aspects in quite short amount of time. Also we as humans are mostly social creatures by nature and in a society there is always going to be some form of positive dependancy.

I don't like the division on light and dark. A person either does have a trait or doesn't that doesn't necesarilly make them part of only dark or light. So I agree with being a mix of both in a sense. Even if you see yourself as gray, I'd advise to avoid visualising such inside yourself , as gray is the color with most dangerous properties
bringing death and decay , being only used in death and revenge spells and such.
 

Thoughts and ruminations (Long read, but hopefully worth it. Help asked at the end)

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